I have been away from my blog for a long time now. Basically I had decided it wasn't really accomplishing much, and writing wasn't much of a talent of mine. That perhaps, it was best left to those who had been gifted as such.
I was out running today. For some reason I feel more free to talk to my Lord at this time. I will actually talk out loud to him. And when I am listening, he will answer me deep within. I heard him today, maybe because I was in a particularly lousy state, you know, the one where you have just ripped open every emotion you have and said this is what I got, where I am, now please teach me a better way.
His answers are usually very simple, but somehow satisfy what I need. Like bread filling the hole in my stomach, a warm satisfaction of feeling full. Anyway the conclusion of the matter was this. He told me to start writing again. Ever ask a question and not really like the answer? Yeah it's one of those for me. But I have decided to trust him, and I do not wish to tell him no. You see, I love My Lord, more than all else. He knows this about me, and he loves me too, for he gave all for me. What he asks of me, is to tell you the same.
He loves you more than all else. Come to him.
You see, I don't know the answers to the big questions, He has told me I don't need them for my own life, so I cannot give you the answers to yours. Except this:
He loves you, more than all else. Come to him.
Also this. I love you too.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Saturday, March 14, 2009
I believe
It is at the core
when all is stripped away
when nothing is left to look at
except the beginning.
Did he place it there?
Made it what it is?
How is it the only thing left
of who I am?
It is naked and pure
exposed and real
small and yet fills
my entire soul.
How can it be
that it is all I want to be
and all I see?
It never left
was not stolen away
replaced, destroyed, or covered
for everytime a wave washes over
it is all that is left of me.
when all is stripped away
when nothing is left to look at
except the beginning.
Did he place it there?
Made it what it is?
How is it the only thing left
of who I am?
It is naked and pure
exposed and real
small and yet fills
my entire soul.
How can it be
that it is all I want to be
and all I see?
It never left
was not stolen away
replaced, destroyed, or covered
for everytime a wave washes over
it is all that is left of me.
Monday, March 9, 2009
I Don't Know - Part 1
A friend asked me a few days ago, why I never had more children. There was really no short answer. Especially since my friend has only known me for a couple of years. Had he known me longer, perhaps the question would never had been asked.
I remember the day, like most others, I went to get out of bed.
Everything on fire, and the pain so intense tears ripped down my cheeks.
"Oh no." I thought, "not again! I HAVE to work, I HAVE TOO!"
"I can't, I just can't, the pain, it's too much,"
I worked myself into a sitting position, breathing deeply to focus on anything but the throbbing. Now having psyched myself up, I think,
"It's been worse, pull it together and just get over it."
Propelling my body off the bed, I try and keep my equilibrium until I straighten up. It would have worked too, had my right leg not been numb from the knee down.
My prayers were at that time, pretty basic. No very conversational, because it seemed to be of no use. So I prayed for at least one of the many medicines I took to work. I didn't beg for a cure, I had given up on that. What was left of my faith was in a pill. I just wanted the pain to be tolerable. The swelling to go away. The tears to end. I wanted what they would call a 'normal' life. Please God, just let me feel like living.
It was kind of a pattern of thinking for me since I was a small child.
You know, the prayer starts with a desperate sob, urgent and begging "Please, Please, Make it stop. HELP ME!"
But when it doesn't stop, the next prayer is just a little different isn't it? My faith... altered, more unsure.
"please, please, let me not feel it, let it not hurt."
It did.
The next prayer even more negotiating.
"Let it be short.".
It turns it to a bargaining doesn't it?
So this altered faith, goes on and on, patterned over and over into new circumstances, but the same questions. Is he listening? Does he love me? Why doesn't he answer!? What is real faith? If I had more, would he give me the answer? And there it goes again. Trying to bargain with God. At least it felt like something I could do. Otherwise the feeling of helplessness from lack of answers was too overwhelming.
I had someone tell me one time, after I had been trying to almost three years to have a baby, "As soon as you give up, really give up, it will happen." I can't tell you how stupid those words sounded. Funny how now they makes sense, and not just because I gave up, and had a daughter.
It is amazing how much I think I know. The wealth of acquired knowledge swimming around in my head that I think that if other people could possess it would change their lives. What if they could see what I see, just understand! When those words are written down is sounds so very pathetic, and laughable, doesn't it? All the real answers I still am trying to grasp.
It is embarrassing to say, "I don't know."
"I don't know"
I find myself saying this more and more every day. I truly feel I have had more questions answered by my Father in the last three years then the previous 35 and yet I know even less then I began. Maybe because his answers have been so simple, and I wanted them to be complex. Maybe because he is still waiting for me to really give up, so that I can hear him, instead of my own answers, and then the answer will feel complete. Or maybe I will spend my life asking him more questions, as he patiently waits for me to accept the first one. I don't know.
Simple Answers.
Is he listening?
"Yes"
This of course leads to another!
Do you love me?
"Yes, I loved you first."
Oh how this opens to all the other questions, and especially the next one which feels the most desperate:
Why!!???
His answer to that one, I guess that leads to "I don't know" part 2.
I remember the day, like most others, I went to get out of bed.
Everything on fire, and the pain so intense tears ripped down my cheeks.
"Oh no." I thought, "not again! I HAVE to work, I HAVE TOO!"
"I can't, I just can't, the pain, it's too much,"
I worked myself into a sitting position, breathing deeply to focus on anything but the throbbing. Now having psyched myself up, I think,
"It's been worse, pull it together and just get over it."
Propelling my body off the bed, I try and keep my equilibrium until I straighten up. It would have worked too, had my right leg not been numb from the knee down.
My prayers were at that time, pretty basic. No very conversational, because it seemed to be of no use. So I prayed for at least one of the many medicines I took to work. I didn't beg for a cure, I had given up on that. What was left of my faith was in a pill. I just wanted the pain to be tolerable. The swelling to go away. The tears to end. I wanted what they would call a 'normal' life. Please God, just let me feel like living.
It was kind of a pattern of thinking for me since I was a small child.
You know, the prayer starts with a desperate sob, urgent and begging "Please, Please, Make it stop. HELP ME!"
But when it doesn't stop, the next prayer is just a little different isn't it? My faith... altered, more unsure.
"please, please, let me not feel it, let it not hurt."
It did.
The next prayer even more negotiating.
"Let it be short.".
It turns it to a bargaining doesn't it?
So this altered faith, goes on and on, patterned over and over into new circumstances, but the same questions. Is he listening? Does he love me? Why doesn't he answer!? What is real faith? If I had more, would he give me the answer? And there it goes again. Trying to bargain with God. At least it felt like something I could do. Otherwise the feeling of helplessness from lack of answers was too overwhelming.
I had someone tell me one time, after I had been trying to almost three years to have a baby, "As soon as you give up, really give up, it will happen." I can't tell you how stupid those words sounded. Funny how now they makes sense, and not just because I gave up, and had a daughter.
It is amazing how much I think I know. The wealth of acquired knowledge swimming around in my head that I think that if other people could possess it would change their lives. What if they could see what I see, just understand! When those words are written down is sounds so very pathetic, and laughable, doesn't it? All the real answers I still am trying to grasp.
It is embarrassing to say, "I don't know."
"I don't know"
I find myself saying this more and more every day. I truly feel I have had more questions answered by my Father in the last three years then the previous 35 and yet I know even less then I began. Maybe because his answers have been so simple, and I wanted them to be complex. Maybe because he is still waiting for me to really give up, so that I can hear him, instead of my own answers, and then the answer will feel complete. Or maybe I will spend my life asking him more questions, as he patiently waits for me to accept the first one. I don't know.
Simple Answers.
Is he listening?
"Yes"
This of course leads to another!
Do you love me?
"Yes, I loved you first."
Oh how this opens to all the other questions, and especially the next one which feels the most desperate:
Why!!???
His answer to that one, I guess that leads to "I don't know" part 2.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Love in Slumber
Let love not cool
and slumber make
with ease of familiarity
for love that sleeps
when called to rise
makes embers vanish from the eyes
Undeclared love is death
in unspoken words
a parched flower that can thirst no more
for when the well is capped
and the fountain dry
it weeps a barren Love's cry
like a mourning dove
bidding her mate
that receives no reply
Let love not cool
and slumber make
breathing a contented sigh
and slumber make
with ease of familiarity
for love that sleeps
when called to rise
makes embers vanish from the eyes
Undeclared love is death
in unspoken words
a parched flower that can thirst no more
for when the well is capped
and the fountain dry
it weeps a barren Love's cry
like a mourning dove
bidding her mate
that receives no reply
Let love not cool
and slumber make
breathing a contented sigh
Sunday, September 21, 2008
At Night
At night
When the darkness comes
The shadows that run
Don't leave my side
At night
When the darkness reigns
When the candles wane
lay me safely down
In the night
Where dreams rule
with the voice of fools
I grab your sword
I speak your name
oil the flame
and break the chain
I take my stand
Light the fire
speak the truth
burn the lies
clean the floor
The dark king
has no crown.
When the darkness comes
The shadows that run
Don't leave my side
At night
When the darkness reigns
When the candles wane
lay me safely down
In the night
Where dreams rule
with the voice of fools
I grab your sword
I speak your name
oil the flame
and break the chain
I take my stand
Light the fire
speak the truth
burn the lies
clean the floor
The dark king
has no crown.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Let Me
Let me hear your voice
Let me understand
all the words you speak
to this little lamb
Take away my wounds
for I tripped and fell
I can't walk alone
in this darkened land
Let me feel your touch
and I'll grasp your hand
Let me hold your arm
For by you I stand
Oh Lord of Light
To you I give my life
Make me into you
Let me hear your voice
Oh lord of Love
To you I give my heart
Make me into you
Lead me to your land
Oh lord of Life
To you I give my love
Make me into you
Let me understand
Let me understand
all the words you speak
to this little lamb
Take away my wounds
for I tripped and fell
I can't walk alone
in this darkened land
Let me feel your touch
and I'll grasp your hand
Let me hold your arm
For by you I stand
Oh Lord of Light
To you I give my life
Make me into you
Let me hear your voice
Oh lord of Love
To you I give my heart
Make me into you
Lead me to your land
Oh lord of Life
To you I give my love
Make me into you
Let me understand
Sunday, June 22, 2008
To Shine Forth
"Who being the shining splendor of His glory, and the express image of His essence, and upholding all things by the word of His power, through Himself cleansing of our sins, He sat down on the right of the Majesty on high." Heb 1:3
I have been thinking on this scripture as of late. It says so much in just a few sentences. For example:
"Who being the shining splendor of His glory". The words here 'shining splendor' mean to shine forth from, or to shine out of. So in our mind we can picture Jesus shining forth from God's glory, being taken out of it and sent forth just as light shines out of the creation of the light, and goes forth into the darkness. This is stated in John:
Joh 1:2 He was in the beginning with God. :3 All things came into being through Him, and without Him not even one thing came into being that has come into being. :4 In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. :5 And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overtake it.
This helps us understand the next statement:
"and the express image of His essence". He is taken out of his glory and his essence, and so he is the exact copy or in this illustration, image or representation. Another reference called express image, the figure stamped. So we see God's Glory through a 'sample' of that glory or image of him, Jesus. Jesus explains this to Phillip when he says:
"Jesus said to him, Have I been with you such a long time and yet you have not known Me, Philip? He who has seen Me has seen the Father. And how do you say, Show us the Father? Joh 14:9
The next statement reveals to us even more the substance of Jesus.
"and upholding all things by the word of His power". Jesus is the image of God, and he is the word of God. These two things are synonymous, for both are a reflection of the source, provisions that helps us understand the creator of the image and source of the words. This is further explained in Hebrews:
"By faith we understand that the ages were framed by a word of God, so that the things being seen not to have come into being out of the things that appear." Heb 11:3
Jesus is our frame of reference, or word by which to understand and see our God. We are able to view Jesus by belief and faith in him. To those who believe he is a source of power and gives life, just as light is a source of power and life.
"In Him was life, and the life was the light of men." Joh 1:4
"He who believes on the Son has everlasting life, and he who does not believe the Son shall not see life, but the wrath of God abides upon him." Joh 3:36
And how does this light shine on us?
through Himself cleansing of our sins, He sat down on the right of the Majesty on high." He came and took away our darkness, our sin, leaving with us the word, and returned to the Father's right hand, having accomplished what he was sent to do. He was sent, to bring light into the world, our world. And not only bring light, but to make us a light.
"and persuading yourselves to be a guide of the blind, a light to those in darkness;" Rom 2:19
"For we do not preach ourselves, but Christ Jesus as Lord, and ourselves your servants for Jesus' sake. :6 For it is God who said, "Out of darkness Light shall shine;" who shone in our hearts to give the brightness of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. :7 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us;" 2Co 4:5
May we shine forth, and be his glory.
I have been thinking on this scripture as of late. It says so much in just a few sentences. For example:
"Who being the shining splendor of His glory". The words here 'shining splendor' mean to shine forth from, or to shine out of. So in our mind we can picture Jesus shining forth from God's glory, being taken out of it and sent forth just as light shines out of the creation of the light, and goes forth into the darkness. This is stated in John:
Joh 1:2 He was in the beginning with God. :3 All things came into being through Him, and without Him not even one thing came into being that has come into being. :4 In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. :5 And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overtake it.
This helps us understand the next statement:
"and the express image of His essence". He is taken out of his glory and his essence, and so he is the exact copy or in this illustration, image or representation. Another reference called express image, the figure stamped. So we see God's Glory through a 'sample' of that glory or image of him, Jesus. Jesus explains this to Phillip when he says:
"Jesus said to him, Have I been with you such a long time and yet you have not known Me, Philip? He who has seen Me has seen the Father. And how do you say, Show us the Father? Joh 14:9
The next statement reveals to us even more the substance of Jesus.
"and upholding all things by the word of His power". Jesus is the image of God, and he is the word of God. These two things are synonymous, for both are a reflection of the source, provisions that helps us understand the creator of the image and source of the words. This is further explained in Hebrews:
"By faith we understand that the ages were framed by a word of God, so that the things being seen not to have come into being out of the things that appear." Heb 11:3
Jesus is our frame of reference, or word by which to understand and see our God. We are able to view Jesus by belief and faith in him. To those who believe he is a source of power and gives life, just as light is a source of power and life.
"In Him was life, and the life was the light of men." Joh 1:4
"He who believes on the Son has everlasting life, and he who does not believe the Son shall not see life, but the wrath of God abides upon him." Joh 3:36
And how does this light shine on us?
through Himself cleansing of our sins, He sat down on the right of the Majesty on high." He came and took away our darkness, our sin, leaving with us the word, and returned to the Father's right hand, having accomplished what he was sent to do. He was sent, to bring light into the world, our world. And not only bring light, but to make us a light.
"and persuading yourselves to be a guide of the blind, a light to those in darkness;" Rom 2:19
"For we do not preach ourselves, but Christ Jesus as Lord, and ourselves your servants for Jesus' sake. :6 For it is God who said, "Out of darkness Light shall shine;" who shone in our hearts to give the brightness of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. :7 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us;" 2Co 4:5
May we shine forth, and be his glory.
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