One of Jehovah's Witnesses

I am taking English Composition I this semester. It has been good for me, in that it has forced me to do some writing and to become more comfortable with the process. We were assigned a topic a couple weeks ago: "Describe how you and your family defined yourselves, how did you and didn't you fit the mold." I read the assignment and let out a laugh. Boy did I have some material for that essay! I picked and angle and the following is the result. I decided to post it here mainly because I think it explains an aspect of my life that is hard to explain. It wasn't until I started to write it down did I realize how odd and perhaps crazy it would sound to someone on the 'outside'.


One of Jehovah’s Witnesses

Since the time I was very little, I was taught to identify myself as “one of Jehovah’s Witnesses”. I found that I used this reply most often to refuse some sort of invitation or event. For example, a friend would invite me to their birthday party on Saturday and I would say “I can’t, I am one of Jehovah’s Witnesses.”; I used it as the reason I was the only one seated in the library during the Christmas program: “I am one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, I don’t celebrate Christmas.”, or why I could not join the basketball team: “I don’t participate in school sports because “I am one of Jehovah’s Witnesses.”.

This label carried with it a lot of meaning. To the average person it was just an odd religion whose members were often seen in public talking to others about their beliefs and inviting them to take their literature, but within the Jehovah’s Witness community it penetrated every aspect of your life. It defined who your friends were, what kind of clothes you wore, what you could watch on television, and if you celebrated holidays. It was the deciding factor of whether you could attend a high school dance; go to college, and whom you would choose to marry. To me being a Jehovah’s Witness was not religious affiliation but was part of “who” and what I was. I spent my childhood hearing instructions taken from the Bible as to how I should act, what I should like, how I should feel, and why I should feel that way. One of my youngest memories is singing the lyrics of this song at our meetings.

“We’re Jehovah's Witnesses.
We speak out in fearlessness.
Ours is the God of true prophecy;
what he foretells comes to be.
Witnessing exalts God's name,
Lifts there from reproach and shame.
And it warns the wicked,
who God's name defame.
Pardon it holds out to men,
if they turn to God again.
Thus bearing witness brings joy and peace
and hope of life that will not cease.”( Watchtower 1986)

It was a heavy responsibility to be entrusted to exalt God’s name and lift it from shame. My family, in fact my whole social circle, was expected to meet such standards.

As young Jehovah’s Witness your first milestone is to make a comment during the question and answer section of one of the three meeting. Usually it involved an adult whispering the correct answer in the ear of a toddler and the child repeating it. The audience would erupt in applause and the child beamed with pride. During these early years young ones are also delegated to hand unsuspecting “householders” the literature being offered in their door to door ministry.

As a child grows older, more is expected of him. They are encouraged, more often required, to join the Theocratic Ministry School. This program trains its participants to preach to the public about their religious beliefs in a persuasive manner by teaching them the art of public speaking.(Watchtower 2001) An entire book is also provided called Reasoning from the Scriptures (Watch Tower 2009) that embeds canned expressions and teachings that can be repeated to the person at the door. They call it being equipped to preach the ‘Good News’. Boys would read a Bible passage and give application, or would talk five minutes about an approved topic. Girls would play mock scenes with other girls, pretending to teach them about a scriptural point. Girls had to do their teaching in an imaginary setting because, unlike the boys, they were not allowed to teach the spectators directly. The religion teaches that it is inappropriate for a female to teach the audience outright. I have always found this arrangement odd, because when it comes down to the actual teaching of the religion to others, it is mostly accomplished by women.

Once you are going out in the public to talk to people about the religion you are considered an “Un-baptized Publisher” . Hours spent preaching is tracked and then turned it in at the end of the month. This is done in every congregation in the world so that the religious organization can monitor it members. My family took great pride in my progression through the expected steeping stones. At five, I was giving demonstrations at meetings, and presenting literature at the doors of strangers as early as six. I was considered an Un-baptized Publisher by the age of 8. I would use my school vacations to go from door to door for up to 60 hours a month, in my mind, trying to save lives of people from Jehovah’s impending judgment day.
At the age of 13 I wanted to be baptized. It was more than just accepting Jesus and being saved. Baptism as a Jehovah’s Witness involved answering about hundred questions about the beliefs and teachings of the religion. Once the Elders in the congregation felt I had a complete understanding of the beliefs and that I believed them, I was allowed to get baptized at one of the yearly conventions. “Do you understand that your dedication and baptism identify you as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses in association with God’s spirit-directed organization?” thousands of people applauded as I shouted “Yes”.

The designation of “Baptized Publisher” was monumental. It meant you were irrevocably a member of the religion. I say irrevocably, not because it was impossible to stop being a Witness, but because once you reach this stage there was no going back. If you ever decided you no longer believed the teachings of the Jehovah’s Witnesses and you had been baptized, you would be disowned by your family; shunned by all of your friends and the entire membership of the religion world-wide.

I crossed the baptism threshold at the early age of 16. I was held up as an example during their conventions on how to be a whole-souled Jehovah’s Witness child. I never envisioned a time that I would not trust what I had been taught by my family and the organization about God and what my life plan should be. Just like most of my generation of Jehovah’s Witnesses, I did not further my education after High School. College was viewed as seeking self-fulfillment and materialism, instead of pleasing God. The ideal course for a young adult after High School was to find some type of simple work in the service industry. The meager amount of money you earned was to be put toward ‘theocratic pursuits’ which was a full time career as a minister for the church. Full time ministers were called “Regular Pioneers”, and I proudly held the card that recognized me as one when I was 18. As a Regular Pioneer, I spent 1000 hours a year going from house to house, knocking on doors, looking for people to study the Bible with and teach them our religion.

Growing up I never allowed myself to imagine any other future. Questioning your beliefs was not just discouraged but vilified. They had a special word for those who left the religion and spoke badly about it. They were called “Apostates”. Apostates were said to have aligned themselves with Satan the Devil and it was the worst thing you could become (Watchtower 2000). You were viewed as a murder, of not only your own salvation but of others as well. It was better to have died, than to become an Apostate. As a child, I pictured an Apostate as a crazed half human out to destroy everything good and holy. Who would have ever guessed that one day that beast would be my own reflection?

Describing my family and friends as shocked when I proclaimed my doubts about the Jehovah’s Witness organization and its teachings would be a gross understatement. I had been the model Jehovah’s Witness and now their mold was broken. As traumatic as it seemed to them, it was much for so for me. I reached my mid-thirties and suddenly started to allow myself to step out of my upbringing and look at what I was taught with a critical eye. I found myself stunned to find a religion full of reasoning fallacies and fear controlling tactics. My entire identity began to crumble and all that was left was the dreaded identity of an “Apostate”.

There is no good way to stop being a Jehovah’s Witness if you were a baptized member. I knew this because over the years I had seen the social mutilation of people who expressed doubts and wanted to leave. I expected my exit to be no different, and it was just as ugly. My husband and I were “disfellowshipped” from the group because we questioned some of the teachings and were viewed as disrespecting the authority of the group of men who run the religion around the globe. We were barred from entering meetings because they feared we would contaminate others. My parents and brother would no longer speak with me, or even come to my house. I had lost all of my friends, in fact my entire social circle. I was like a fish thrown out of the ocean, flopping on the sand gasping for my life.

There is a saying: “sink or swim”; in my case I had to learn to swim in a society that I had been taught was run by the Devil. I was forced to figure out who I was, and what I was not. I soon realized I was not a fish after all and my survival was not dependant on staying in the ocean. I have spent the last six years since I left discovering my own identity. I had to throw away everything I knew so that I could start over. I left a religion that defined even what movies I should like and suddenly was given freedom to explore myself without rules or definitions and it was overwhelming. It felt like jumping out of an airplane with no parachute. I have a feeling it may take the rest of my life to discover who I am, but I am happy just being LeAnn Hoover. I still have roles that I fill, wife, mother, nurse, friend, but none of those labels impose on my identity, and to me that is true freedom.




References
Watchtower Bible and Tract Society of New York (2009) Sing to Jehovah (pp. 38-39)
Watchtower Bible ant Tract Society of Pennsylvania (2001). Benefit from Theocratic Ministry School Education.
Watchtower Bible and Tract Society of Pennsylvania (2009). Reasoning from the Scriptures. (pp. 15-24)
Watchtower Bible and Tract Society of New York (2000). Watchtower magazine, May 1, 2000. (pp. 8-12)

Prism or Prison

I have made it a week without stepping on a scale. I am going nuts. It annoys me how much it is bugging me. I can hear myself sound crazy as I write that statement out, but knowing that doesn’t change anything. It is among the constant things in my life, awareness that the things swirling around in my mind are probably considered a bit crazy by the general population. When I was younger it led to me being a better listener than talker. These days I have embraced most of my craziness, but I am still a better listener of people’s thoughts than expressing mine.

I had to consciously remove myself from the land of make believe as a child, instead of the reverse. I existed there most of the time, elaborately daydreaming, it was hard to come back to the time in which most of my friends and family existed. Sure I knew the difference, the everyday life of this world, in contrast to the other one… I just liked the other one better. Maybe it was the abuse that sent me there more often, strange thing was my other world was not perfect either. It had its own shifting lights and experiences, some beautiful others sad or dark. But I felt freer there. I could explore and create, doing things that I could not in the physical. I felt me; all of me, no limitations of time or fences of rules, my body was never in the way.

I think sometimes as we age, we kill off that part of ourselves, define ourselves as adults and lose something; the part that perhaps fuels facets of what we are.

Free to be Free

I spent years with an eating disorder. It started around the age of 11. I can’t give you an exact day, but I can pin down the feeling, the day I gained control. It was fabulous. The control was addictive, dare I say intoxicating. No more the victim. They could do what they wanted to my body, even nature could do what it wanted too, but in the end I had victory.

I was in a place in my life where I had no control over what happened to me. I was at the mercy of circumstance, young, vulnerable, and hurting. Trying to cope with a bad situation with very few weapons, what I had was my own mind. People I trusted had some very deep problems that made them not trustworthy. Sometimes they took out their issues on me, or I was just a casualty of the storm that was whipping through their lives, collateral damage. I could tell you the stories, the darkness, the pain, the abuse, but I’m not going too. This isn’t about the damage, it’s about victory.

Years of anorexia and bulimia left its toll, mainly on my self-esteem. My solution for preserving my core self, turned out to be my greatest enemy. Sure it held me together in the beginning, but as I came to terms with the other pains, it remained as a thorn. It dug deep. Coming and going, controlling in the background, masking what it really was. A friend, who has recovered from almost near death from anorexia once called it a beast. I couldn't agree more, and the beast was always waiting to come out. A beast who always tore me to shreds, every time I healed. Those who have suffered with an eating disorder will understand, it is not always loud, not always alive, sometimes it dormant, when you think it is finally dead, a breath of life fills the hole, a rush of power, and it once again becomes a friend. My real battle to eradicate it started when I began to lose the weight that was a causality of binge eating, and the subsequent bouts of calorie restriction. I tried to not give in the cyclical behavior and pack on the pounds, confirming my perceptions of self-worth. More reasons to feed the beast, more reason to punish myself, more, more, more.

This time around I thought I had a knock out. I lost over a hundred pounds, and did it the ‘right way’, Diet and exercise, commitment and determination. In the midst of the fight I have come to love running, not only for the quick weight loss that came with it, but because I felt so good. My body was my friend now, not my enemy. I had finally won. I was all I wanted to be ...free.

I tried to ignore the guilt every time I didn’t run. The terrible feeling I had when I wanted to enjoy a piece of cake. The annoyance at the slight bulge I had on my stomach or the skin that still jiggled under my arms. The beast was still breathing down my neck. I wanted to be perfect, no chink in my armor. I still was picking at the scabs, never good enough. I put some weight back on; I tried to ignore the triggers, life that constantly challenged my perception, denying its power. I resisted a full blown relapse, but now that just isn’t good enough.

I want to be free. I want to run because I love being friends with my body and happy with what it is capable of doing, whatever that may be. I want to be able to eat a piece of my birthday cake because I like cake. I want to stop being my own greatest critic. Do what I tell everyone else to do, and stop looking for the bad, and open my eyes to the good. I want my daughter to love herself without restrictions; time to learn how to do that myself.

I decided I am running again. There is a glow race 5K in August that sounds fun. I didn’t pick it because I figured out it was a fast course, I picked it because I want to do it, that and it has a beer garden; and yes I want to drink a beer and not even calculate how many calories I burned while running to see if I would allow myself a drink.. I don’t want to care about what my run time is. I want to enjoy the experience, not the ending. I want to lose a few pounds, not because I care what the number is on the scale, but because I feel good at a certain weight. I don’t want satisfaction in a number. It is an empty feeling.

So my experiment begins. I’m running again, slowly. I have also committed to not getting on the scale two or three times a day, but once a month. It’s crazy how hard that is going to be. And I am going to talk about my journey, the hardest thing of all for me. A good start I hope. This is a plan without an ending, a plan that is a journey instead. I will let you know it goes.

And he said to them...

When the hand was held out to you, on the street
did you reach in your pocket
or shift your gaze?

And saw the child who cried
and no one answered
Did you lift them in your arms?

When the widow sat alone
remembering his past
did you hear his stories?

Or hold the hand of one in pain
and cry with them,
sharing their moment?

Give your only dollar
to the man who wanted coffee..
your dinner to your neighbor?

See the steel bars
in front of your brother
and reach in between them?

Did you tell a joke
just to make them smile?

Answer the phone
so that they wouldn't be alone?

Did you do it to the least of these?

Change

This has been on my mind a lot lately. I am the kind of person who resists change. I eat just about the same breakfast every morning, eat at the same restaurants for lunch each day of the week, and can even run the same route over and over, because I like to know what to expect. I think the sameness gives me a level of comfort. Perhaps because even though other things may vary in my life, I can control some parts of it. I like that, and the level of power it gives to me.

This mentality can be a good thing. It gives discipline and dependability, but can also be a crutch, one that needs to be knocked out from underneath me from time to time. There are many crutches I have used in my life that, in the end, harmed me. Jesus came along and replaced himself for my useless crutches, because they were holding me back from becoming closer to him. He is still showing me where I have stashed spare crutches.

When he does this I really panic. I grab my crutch, hold on for dear life, and kick and scream like a small child. But underneath my childish behavior is a seed that resist change, fearing I will be naked without it. If you take away what I have then what will I have?! Nothing. I easily forget he has already replaced what I am desperately trying to hold onto with something better. It's like trying to keep wearing your glasses when you don't need them anymore. You are worse off than before, because you won't let go.

I grew up in a religion where everything was defined, dissected, and spelled out. My life was actually quite stormy, but the belief I had in God seemed to be a steady stream, one that I could follow along without doubt and have 'God's approval'. All I had to do was listen to what the leaders taught, and follow the path they laid out. I did this faithfully, and I found it comfortable. The problem was however, is that the path I had chosen to follow was not the path Jesus was walking. It was one that man had paved. It was full of pits, holes, wolves, and robbers. When my Lord found me on this road, I was beaten and bleeding. He bound up my wounds and took me to him. My entire life shifted, and even as my scars were healing, I was completely consumed with fear. I wanted him more than anything, but he had removed my crutches. I was terrified. He replaced my terror with hope. He is still teaching me, that I no longer need them. I am not beaten and bleeding. He has completely paid for my recovery.

Walking without definitions is like walking with my eyes closed. Walking by faith, not sight. He directs me through faith in his love, nudging me here and there, giving sight of heavenly things, instead of eyes of flesh. The difference is such a change that it can be overwhelming, and it's hard to let go of fear. He says if I follow his voice I can walk in his footsteps and he will lead me. When I try and put the flesh glasses back on, I am blind, and in a worse state than I was before.

I am still learning to trust him, that I am not in fact naked, but beautifully clothed. I can be a slow learner. It's funny, when the crutch is gone, I end up wondering why I wanted it in the first place.

I don't Know.. Part 2

I have been away from my blog for a long time now. Basically I had decided it wasn't really accomplishing much, and writing wasn't much of a talent of mine. That perhaps, it was best left to those who had been gifted as such.

I was out running today. For some reason I feel more free to talk to my Lord at this time. I will actually talk out loud to him. And when I am listening, he will answer me deep within. I heard him today, maybe because I was in a particularly lousy state, you know, the one where you have just ripped open every emotion you have and said this is what I got, where I am, now please teach me a better way.

His answers are usually very simple, but somehow satisfy what I need. Like bread filling the hole in my stomach, a warm satisfaction of feeling full. Anyway the conclusion of the matter was this. He told me to start writing again. Ever ask a question and not really like the answer? Yeah it's one of those for me. But I have decided to trust him, and I do not wish to tell him no. You see, I love My Lord, more than all else. He knows this about me, and he loves me too, for he gave all for me. What he asks of me, is to tell you the same.

He loves you more than all else. Come to him.

You see, I don't know the answers to the big questions, He has told me I don't need them for my own life, so I cannot give you the answers to yours. Except this:

He loves you, more than all else. Come to him.

Also this. I love you too.

I believe

It is at the core
when all is stripped away
when nothing is left to look at
except the beginning.

Did he place it there?
Made it what it is?
How is it the only thing left
of who I am?

It is naked and pure
exposed and real
small and yet fills
my entire soul.

How can it be
that it is all I want to be
and all I see?

It never left
was not stolen away
replaced, destroyed, or covered

for everytime a wave washes over
it is all that is left of me.

I Don't Know - Part 1

A friend asked me a few days ago, why I never had more children. There was really no short answer. Especially since my friend has only known me for a couple of years. Had he known me longer, perhaps the question would never had been asked.

I remember the day, like most others, I went to get out of bed.

Everything on fire, and the pain so intense tears ripped down my cheeks.

"Oh no." I thought, "not again! I HAVE to work, I HAVE TOO!"
"I can't, I just can't, the pain, it's too much,"

I worked myself into a sitting position, breathing deeply to focus on anything but the throbbing. Now having psyched myself up, I think,

"It's been worse, pull it together and just get over it."

Propelling my body off the bed, I try and keep my equilibrium until I straighten up. It would have worked too, had my right leg not been numb from the knee down.

My prayers were at that time, pretty basic. No very conversational, because it seemed to be of no use. So I prayed for at least one of the many medicines I took to work. I didn't beg for a cure, I had given up on that. What was left of my faith was in a pill. I just wanted the pain to be tolerable. The swelling to go away. The tears to end. I wanted what they would call a 'normal' life. Please God, just let me feel like living.

It was kind of a pattern of thinking for me since I was a small child.

You know, the prayer starts with a desperate sob, urgent and begging "Please, Please, Make it stop. HELP ME!"

But when it doesn't stop, the next prayer is just a little different isn't it? My faith... altered, more unsure.

"please, please, let me not feel it, let it not hurt."

It did.

The next prayer even more negotiating.

"Let it be short.".

It turns it to a bargaining doesn't it?

So this altered faith, goes on and on, patterned over and over into new circumstances, but the same questions. Is he listening? Does he love me? Why doesn't he answer!? What is real faith? If I had more, would he give me the answer? And there it goes again. Trying to bargain with God. At least it felt like something I could do. Otherwise the feeling of helplessness from lack of answers was too overwhelming.

I had someone tell me one time, after I had been trying to almost three years to have a baby, "As soon as you give up, really give up, it will happen." I can't tell you how stupid those words sounded. Funny how now they makes sense, and not just because I gave up, and had a daughter.

It is amazing how much I think I know. The wealth of acquired knowledge swimming around in my head that I think that if other people could possess it would change their lives. What if they could see what I see, just understand! When those words are written down is sounds so very pathetic, and laughable, doesn't it? All the real answers I still am trying to grasp.

It is embarrassing to say, "I don't know."

"I don't know"

I find myself saying this more and more every day. I truly feel I have had more questions answered by my Father in the last three years then the previous 35 and yet I know even less then I began. Maybe because his answers have been so simple, and I wanted them to be complex. Maybe because he is still waiting for me to really give up, so that I can hear him, instead of my own answers, and then the answer will feel complete. Or maybe I will spend my life asking him more questions, as he patiently waits for me to accept the first one. I don't know.

Simple Answers.

Is he listening?

"Yes"

This of course leads to another!

Do you love me?

"Yes, I loved you first."

Oh how this opens to all the other questions, and especially the next one which feels the most desperate:

Why!!???

His answer to that one, I guess that leads to "I don't know" part 2.

Love in Slumber

Let love not cool
and slumber make
with ease of familiarity

for love that sleeps
when called to rise
makes embers vanish from the eyes

Undeclared love is death
in unspoken words
a parched flower that can thirst no more

for when the well is capped
and the fountain dry
it weeps a barren Love's cry

like a mourning dove
bidding her mate
that receives no reply

Let love not cool
and slumber make
breathing a contented sigh

At Night

At night
When the darkness comes
The shadows that run
Don't leave my side

At night
When the darkness reigns
When the candles wane
lay me safely down

In the night
Where dreams rule
with the voice of fools
I grab your sword

I speak your name
oil the flame
and break the chain

I take my stand

Light the fire
speak the truth
burn the lies
clean the floor

The dark king
has no crown.

Let Me

Let me hear your voice
Let me understand
all the words you speak
to this little lamb

Take away my wounds
for I tripped and fell
I can't walk alone
in this darkened land

Let me feel your touch
and I'll grasp your hand
Let me hold your arm
For by you I stand

Oh Lord of Light
To you I give my life
Make me into you
Let me hear your voice

Oh lord of Love
To you I give my heart
Make me into you
Lead me to your land

Oh lord of Life
To you I give my love
Make me into you
Let me understand

To Shine Forth

"Who being the shining splendor of His glory, and the express image of His essence, and upholding all things by the word of His power, through Himself cleansing of our sins, He sat down on the right of the Majesty on high." Heb 1:3

I have been thinking on this scripture as of late. It says so much in just a few sentences. For example:

"Who being the shining splendor of His glory". The words here 'shining splendor' mean to shine forth from, or to shine out of. So in our mind we can picture Jesus shining forth from God's glory, being taken out of it and sent forth just as light shines out of the creation of the light, and goes forth into the darkness. This is stated in John:

Joh 1:2 He was in the beginning with God. :3 All things came into being through Him, and without Him not even one thing came into being that has come into being. :4 In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. :5 And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overtake it.

This helps us understand the next statement:

"and the express image of His essence". He is taken out of his glory and his essence, and so he is the exact copy or in this illustration, image or representation. Another reference called express image, the figure stamped. So we see God's Glory through a 'sample' of that glory or image of him, Jesus. Jesus explains this to Phillip when he says:

"Jesus said to him, Have I been with you such a long time and yet you have not known Me, Philip? He who has seen Me has seen the Father. And how do you say, Show us the Father? Joh 14:9

The next statement reveals to us even more the substance of Jesus.

"and upholding all things by the word of His power". Jesus is the image of God, and he is the word of God. These two things are synonymous, for both are a reflection of the source, provisions that helps us understand the creator of the image and source of the words. This is further explained in Hebrews:

"By faith we understand that the ages were framed by a word of God, so that the things being seen not to have come into being out of the things that appear." Heb 11:3

Jesus is our frame of reference, or word by which to understand and see our God. We are able to view Jesus by belief and faith in him. To those who believe he is a source of power and gives life, just as light is a source of power and life.

"In Him was life, and the life was the light of men." Joh 1:4

"He who believes on the Son has everlasting life, and he who does not believe the Son shall not see life, but the wrath of God abides upon him." Joh 3:36

And how does this light shine on us?

through Himself cleansing of our sins, He sat down on the right of the Majesty on high." He came and took away our darkness, our sin, leaving with us the word, and returned to the Father's right hand, having accomplished what he was sent to do. He was sent, to bring light into the world, our world. And not only bring light, but to make us a light.

"and persuading yourselves to be a guide of the blind, a light to those in darkness;" Rom 2:19

"For we do not preach ourselves, but Christ Jesus as Lord, and ourselves your servants for Jesus' sake. :6 For it is God who said, "Out of darkness Light shall shine;" who shone in our hearts to give the brightness of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. :7 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us;" 2Co 4:5

May we shine forth, and be his glory.

Fearful and Faithless

I shall not live as a coward
That spirit cannot reside with me

For with his sword, I faced down darkness
I have looked at demons in the eye
I declared them liars

By his arm, I withstood men of rage
exposed their deceit
and have not denied my God

With his strength, I have forgiven the unforgivable
loved the unlovable
and feel the unfelt
cried out tears of sorrow for righteousness

With his light he made me shine
created his child
that is who I am
May no man call me faithless

Because my Lord is in me
I can face the pain
I will do his will
and fear will not dwell with me

My beloved is brave
he fears not anything
not even sorrow or pain

He is light
and exposes evil
he gave everything and was glorified
he trusted his God.

he is me, and so can I

who am I?
I am the daughter of God
May no man call me coward.

Window Christians

Yesterday I visited my first Christian Bookstore. Seems kinda amazing for someone who has been a christian their entire life. The reason I have never shopped at such a store, and my impression of the store itself, will have to wait for another time. Because I would like to share with you a little incident that I witnessed and see if perhaps you are as affected as I have been.

I ran into the store to look for a book I have been wanting. Within the first few minutes I found out that the book was out of stock. So I wandered around the store a bit and picked up a few trinkets.(Okay, okay, I have a weakness for hippie jewelry, this one said "live love"). There was only one register open, and a woman was very involved in a discussion with the young man who was working the counter.

The longer I waited in line, the more irritated the woman became with the clerk. She began to berate the mild man. Complaining and yelling about everything that came to mind that she was unhappy about. The kinder the man treated her, the ruder her behavior became. I have always felt for people who work retail, because I too had worked it for four years, and understand how hard it is to have someone treat you so badly. Of course, I had people yelling at me about shoes. This was a christian, in a christian bookstore, buying a Jesus statue, out doing herself in arrogant rudeness. Acting completely in opposition to how Jesus would. The irony of the situation was astounding. But it was about to get worse.

After the spectacle was over, in what was a previously very quiet store, it was my turn to checkout. I tried to lighten the mood a bit, and said to the young man, "Do a lot of grumpy Christians shop here?" He had to laugh and replied, "I would say that would be about 90 percent of our customers." I was amazed! "How terrible!" I said. "Yes, and most of those are Pastors like her." he said very matter of fact. I was stunned! I was already concerned with how this professed Christian woman treated the clerk, who may or may not be a christian, but to find out that she was the Pastor of a congregation took my breath away. I felt the need to apologise for his treatment. "I am sorry you were treated that way." "It's ok" he said, The other 10 percent of the customers make up for the 90.". At that point I was really hoping I fell in with the 10 percent.

This very small event really opened my eyes. While many profess to be Christians, how do they act when not on display as one? When no one is watching do the values disappear into selfish actions? Do we say we follow Jesus, but ignore his commandment?

I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. As I have loved you, you should also love one another. Joh 13:34

I couldn't help but wonder what one of this woman's congregation would have thought of her actions, and if she would have acted differently in front of someone she was accountable too.

How sad that many professing christians forget that all our actions are on display to our Father. "Neither is there any creature that is not manifest in His sight, but all things are naked and opened to the eyes of Him with whom we have to do." Heb 4:13

Lip service is of little value without love. Faith and love that changes us from the inside, affecting our thoughts and actions to the core, our heart. Without allowing Jesus to change our hearts, we become like what Jesus called the Pharisees.

"And the Lord said to him, Now you Pharisees make the outside of the cup and the platter clean, but your inward part is full of plunder and wickedness." Luk 11:39


This event made me even more aware of how I treat others. Self examination reminded me of times that I had gotten irritated, some for good reasons, others for none, and it has made me even more determined to live up to the name of whom I profess to follow.

Accordingly, as God's chosen ones, holy and loved, clothe yourselves with the tender affections of compassion, kindness, lowliness of mind, mildness, and long-suffering. Col 3:12

Jesus the Vine

In chapter 15 of John, Jesus gives us a beautiful illustration explaining the Body of Christ, how it is rooted, grows, and produces fruitage. How it fulfils its purpose.

In reading Jesus illustration we can see he once again used something that his audience was very familiar with, a grapevine. Jesus choice of symbols is fascinating when we parallel it to the body of Christ. For example, The grapevine, is all one plant, connected to the rootstock, it's lifeline. It self-pollinates, producing fruitage within itself, and the nature of the vine is that twines together it branches to strengthen them.

He begins:

"I am the True Vine, and My Father is the Vinedresser." Joh 15:1

Jesus is showing us that he is not only the rootstock of the vine(Rev.22:16), but the vine itself. As we join the body by accepting his word in our hearts, we become Jesus and part of the vine. "But those on the good ground are the ones who, in an honest and good heart, having heard the Word, keep it and bring forth fruit with patience." Luk 8:15

God is the vinedresser. The vinedresser is the one who prunes and cares for the vine, training and causing fruitage.

"Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away. And every one that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bring forth more fruit. Now you are clean through the Word which I have spoken to you. Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it remains in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me." Joh 15:2-4

John 17:6 Explains that it is The Father who gives us to Jesus, for those whom he loves he gives to the Son. We abide in Jesus. As we abide in Christ, we are nourished and pruned by the discipline of God to produce more fruitage.(Hebr 12:7-11) In fact if we are not pruned, than we are not sons of God. It is an attentive and caring vinedresser that prunes. He know that in it's early two years of growth, a new branch is not yet strong enough to produces good fruit. Through pruning the branch is strengthen for it's task, and by the third year it can produce to it's full potential. It is also in the benefit of the entire vine(body) that training and pruning occurs, as without it, the whole plant becomes a tangled unproductive mess.

Verse three also explains how we become part of the vine. "you are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you." The word cleanses us, remaking our hearts as a reflection of Christ,(2Cor 4:10) and giving us life within ourselves(John 11:25, John 6:53).

"I am the Vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, the same brings forth much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in Me, he is cast out as a branch and is withered. And they gather and cast them into the fire, and they are burned" Joh 15:5,6

Unlike a plant, which can only grow to a certain size, a vine can continue to grow without bounds. But the branches must stay with the rootstock and the vine itself. It cannot exits on it's own. A plant will produce seeds and then die. The seeds will each form their own plants and the cycle continues. But the vine is fed and nourished, by itself. Jesus is our vine, and the body it's branches. To have life, we have to be part of his body. Without him, we dry up, and are cast away. Jesus explains, there is no other way. "Jesus said to him, I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life; no one comes to the Father but by Me. " Joh 14:6

By staying with the vine and bearing fruit, the body of Christ brings Glory to God.

If you abide in Me, and My Words abide in you, you shall ask what you will, and it shall be done to you. In this My Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit, so you shall be My disciples. Joh 15:7,8

The next few verses explain how the body is fed and grows.

"As the Father has loved Me, so I have loved you; continue in My love. If you keep My commandments, you shall abide in My love, even as I have kept My Father's commandments and abide in His love. I have spoken these things to you so that My joy might remain in you and your joy might be full. This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you." Joh 15:9-12

God is love.

1Jo 4:8 The one who does not love has not known God. For God is love.

Jesus is the expression of God's love, his Word.

"In this the love of God was revealed in us, because God sent His only begotten Son into the world that we might live through Him." 1Jo 4:9

For us to be part of Jesus, to live with him. We must love.

"Jesus answered and said to him, If a man loves Me, he will keep My Word. And My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our abode with him." Joh 14:23

Not only must we love God and Jesus, but we must produce fruitage. Our Fruitage, and Christ commandment, is to love one another by expressing the love that Jesus has placed in us.

"This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you." Joh 15:12

Unproductive branches are cut off, and tossed away. If the branch stops getting it's nutrients from the vine it withers up and dies.(1Jon 3:10-12) The vine, Jesus, is expressed love. We must also express love to others creating fruitage for the vine body. The vine pollinates itself through expressed love, causing new growth and fruit. So if we do not love our Brother, we cannot love God, we cannot abide with Jesus.

"We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love the brothers. He who does not love his brother abides in death." 1Jo 3:14

It is a simple, beautiful command, for Jesus explains, all is fulfilled by it being kept, including the purpose of the body of Christ.

"Master, which is the great commandment in the Law? Jesus said to him, You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it, You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets." Mat 22:36-40

The Righteous Cry

To the afflicted heart
his ears awaken
the suffering soul
his eyes seek

He will not look away
and not deliver
he will not turn around
and not save

Many are the pains of the righteous
saddness swarms from all sides
darkness seeks to bind
and cast into the pit

Wolves wait for the kill
and the dragon breathes an impatient sigh

But oh Lord your hand saves!
Your Voice is my balm
never will you allow my heart to fail
it searches for you.

Raise my voice, so I can sing
lift my eyes to gaze upon your face
grasp my hand and leads me down your path
put your words upon my lips

So I may praise you all my days
and lay them upon your altar
as a sacrifice to your goodness

Show me the mirror so I may see
how to remove the dirt from my face
how to shine just like your Son
and bless those whom you love

May I take what you give
and pour it out
may I possess you
and share you with the world

May I recieve your love
without hesitation
and supply it as freely
as you bestow it to me.

Bless the righteous cry
oh my beloved
for I lie at your feet and wait.

In God's Image

During some personal reading about a week ago, a friend of mine raised the question "Are angels created in the image of God?" Having never really researched the question myself I took a guess and said "yes" for a few reasons. Since leaving organized religion, I had come to understand more fully the role of angels in the ministry of the Testimony of Christ.

"And I fell at his feet to worship him. And he said to me, See, do not do it! I am your fellow servant, and of your brothers who have the testimony of Jesus. Worship God, for the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy." Rev 19:10

Being our fellow servants, they worship, serve and testify to God's glory and to the Lamb. To me this seemed to show a similarity to our own purpose and nature of our worship. Also into my consideration fell the fact that they are also held accountable, just as humans, for pure worship of God. In the old testament it also seems they were in fact used to represent God's face. Gen. 32:25-30. And although all these facts seem to be worthy of consideration. It still does not answer the purposed question. Are angels created in God's image?

The First questions has to be, What is the image of God?

And God said, Let Us make man in Our image, after Our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the heavens, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over all the creepers creeping on the earth.
And God created man in His image; in the image of God He created him. He created them male and female. Gen. 1:26,27

Adam was clearly stated to be created in the image of God. What I found interesting was that God seems to be discussing this creation with someone else. "Let us make man in our image." So by this context we see it is no longer just God's image, but OUR image. To whom is God addressing this comment?

We can find this answer in a couple of scriptures.

Who is the image of the invisible God, the First-born of all creation. For all things were created in Him, the things in the heavens, and the things on the earth, the visible and the invisible, whether thrones or dominions or principalities or powers, all things were created through Him and for Him.
Col 1:14-16

We can see here, that Jesus is called the image of God. He being the first-born of all creation, also was used to create all things. So when our Father was speaking in Genesis he was speaking to Jesus, his Son, whom he used to create all things. The words "let us", was a direction from God to Jesus to create man in their image. It would be "their" image because Jesus is the expressed image of God.

Has in these last days spoken to us by His Son, whom He has appointed heir of all things, by whom also He made the worlds, who being the shining splendor of His glory, and the express image of His essence, and upholding all things by the word of His power, through Himself cleansing of our sins, He sat down on the right of the Majesty on high,
Heb 1:2-3

In whom the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelieving ones, so that the light of the glorious gospel of Christ (who is the image of God) should not dawn on them. 2Co 4:4

With this understanding we can see that Adam was created in the Image of God, The image of God, being Jesus. After Adam and Eve's transgression against God, they no longer reflected his image. Therefore when they had children, they were in the image of Adam, not in the Image of God.

Gen 5:3 And Adam lived one hundred and thirty years and fathered a son in his own likeness, after his own image. And he called his name Seth.

Man continued to multiply according to his own image, and this led to all being enslaved to death. With Jesus coming as the second Adam, death is no longer king over Man. Jesus is now King, and with him all enemies will cease, including death.

For since death is through man, the resurrection of the dead also is through a Man.
For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ all will be made alive. But each in his own order: Christ the first-fruit, and afterward they who are Christ's at His coming; then is the end, when He delivers the kingdom to God, even the Father; when He makes to cease all rule and all authority and power. for it is right for Him to reign until He has put all the enemies under His feet. The last enemy made to cease is death. 1Co 15:21-26

Man can now reflect God's image again.

And so it is written, "The first man, Adam, became a living soul," the last Adam was a life-giving Spirit. But not the spiritual first, but the natural; afterward the spiritual. The first man was out of earth, earthy; the second Man was the Lord from Heaven. Such the earthy man, such also the earthy ones. And such the heavenly Man, such also the heavenly ones. And according as we bore the image of the earthy man, we shall also bear the image of the heavenly Man. 1Co 15:45-49

Through Jesus, we can now reflect the image of the heavenly man, in the image of God.

But we all, with our face having been unveiled, having beheld the glory of the Lord as in a mirror, are being changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Lord Spirit. 2Co 3:18

And you should put on the new man, who according to God was created in righteousness and true holiness. Eph 4:24

What a beautiful thing. We as Christians become the body of Christ, his image, in the image of our Heavenly Father. Jesus truly restored to us what was lost and gave to us light and life.

If you have noticed, I still have not addressed the original question "are Angels created in the image of God?" I will be honest, I do not know. The Bible does not tell us. To me it seems that if they share with us, being a reflection of God's image and of Jesus, they would also be included in the body of Christ, or being part of his bride. There is no biblical support for this view. I think the scripture below seems to explain to us the difference in creation.

There are also heavenly bodies and earthly bodies. But the glory of the heavenly is truly different, and that of the earthly different; one glory of the sun, and another glory of the moon, and another glory of the stars; for one star differs from another star in glory. 1Co 15:40,41

Since the Bible does not explain to us the specifics of the creation of angels we cannot assume any other creation was made in the image of God other than the first human pair and Jesus.

Simply Faith

Having read many comments on discussion boards recently concerning Faith and knowledge, I have observed that people seem to unwittingly tie faith to knowledge. Almost a stipulation of having faith is that I have to understand and have deep knowledge of what I am to believe in, before being able to demonstrate faith. Yet, Faith is not tied to understanding, but belief.

1Co 8:1 But concerning the sacrifices to idols, we know that we all have knowledge. Knowledge puffs up, but love edifies.
1Co 8:2 And if any man thinks that he knows anything, he knows nothing yet as he ought to know.
1Co 8:3 But if any one loves God, he has been known of him.

Oh what knowledge do we really need? Knowledge of Jesus, of Our Father, knowledge of love. Through this knowledge we can have a firm foundation for our Faith.

Heb 6:18 so that by two immutable things, in which it was impossible for God to lie, we might have a strong consolation, who have fled for refuge to lay hold upon the hope set before us,
Heb 6:19 which hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which enters into that within the veil,


One of the people who have come into my life recently who has given me much insight on the love of God, and the pure demonstration of faith, is "Ruthanne". What is interesting, is that she has very little knowledge and not a lot of capacity to understand. Let me explain.

My "Ruthanne"...

It was several months ago that I met Ms. Ruthanne. She was seated outside a convenient store in my path to work. I entered into a conversation with her while she sat next to a pay phone. She was having a stressful day and was crying. She asked if I would pray with her, so I knelt down and prayed with her for God to help her, and for His Son to grant her peace, and the removal of the darkness that was pressing in upon her.

Now Ruthanne, is what I would call a transient. She is not homeless, but lives in a rather destitute state. She is afraid to bathe, for fear of being attacked. She carries all her valuables with her, for fear of them being stolen. And many nights, sleep eludes her because voices tell her they will kill her in her sleep. she is learning disabled and a ward of the state. Although being married, her husband is not active in trying to comfort her and lift her from these fears. She had no one else in the this world.

Being especially vulnerable because of her mental disabilities. Ruthanne has a past like you would be unable to believe. Being abused and taken advantage of by not only members of her immediate family, but also demonically controlled people who found her to be easy prey. There are no less than three people in prison for what they did to my precious friend. Society as a whole has discarded her, because they either did not care for the odd mannered women, or felt powerless to aid her in any way.

Yet my friends, whom needs to know the love of Jesus, more than her? Was not Jesus in search of such ones to heal? You see, despite her illnesses and odd behavior, and even though told to be valueless to society, she is as precious as Gold. For Ruthanne has pure faith.

She does not understand the seven congregations of Revelation. She could not explain the image of Daniel. And more than likely, could not tell you too much about the accounts in the Gospels. But she does not need this knowledge to show her faith. For she understands the simplicity of Truth. God's gave us his son to show us love. Those who love God, have belief in Jesus. And if we believe and trust in Jesus and his promises and words, our Faith will keep us safe and heal our wounds. She understands the Kingdom of God. She is pure in heart, and therefore God has shown himself to her.

Mat 5:8 Blessed are the pure in heart! For they shall see God.

She showers love on all those around her, and prays every chance she gets. She understands that it is Jesus spirit that brings her peace, and it is his Holy Spirit that is giving her physical healing. She explained to me the other day that her Faith will make her well. Ruthanne doesn't know that Jesus said that, and when I explained to her, that those were the words of our Lord, she smiled in delight. How refreshing is her faith, for it is children like her, that shall inherit the kingdom.

She has taught me so much. More than the meaning of a Greek word, or the explanation of a deep prophecy could ever reveal. But teaches by her displays of faith. Showing how simply wonderful is the gospel of our Lord. Knowledge, like many other things shall cease. It is fleeting and perishes. But Love endures forever. Faith in God, Faith in his Son, therefore Faith in Love, shall never cease. And these things stem from the heart, not the head. And how very powerful is that faith.

1Co 13:2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

1Co 13:8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.
1Co 13:9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part,
1Co 13:13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Awaken Love

I charge you Oh Daughters of Jerusalem
By the gazelles or by the does of the field
do not stir up or awaken love until it pleases!

How smooth goes down the wine for my beloved
moving gently his sleeping lips
like a bundle of myrrh between my breasts
is where he lies all night

His left hand is under my head
his right hand embraces me
I charge you, O daughters of Jersusalem
do not awaken love until it pleases!

Come let us go to the vineyard,
and see if the vine has budded
pomegrantes bloomed
So that I can give him my love
among our gates, with pleasant fruits

I have been awakened My Beloved
under the apple tree
My garden is ripe
and the spices flow out
as a fire of flame upon your heart
and with love stronger than death

I am awake my Love
waiting for you to say
"Let me hear it"

And then daughters of Jerusalem
I shall stir and awaken love
For it pleases
upon the Mountains of spices

"Make haste my Beloved, Make haste
like a gazelle or young stag
from the mountain of spices."

Beauty

What do you see Beloved
in this lowly sun-worn girl
for I have been forced to work
in my brothers fields.

"My love, My sister!
How beautiful are your feet
in sandals"

The Watchman has stripped me
of my Veil

"O prince's daughter!
Your thighs are the scuplture
of jewels by a workman."

My Soul had made me
as Chariots of my noble people

"Your navel is a goblet
lacking no drink
your waist is wheat
set about with lillies"

"Oh beautiful one
your stature is as pure
and straight as the palm,
and I will take hold
of it's branches.
Drink deeply my wine
and let is go down
smoothly,
for your love
is as a flame of fire
and you beauty
as a dove, my dove,
and there is no other."

"Let us walk
through the fields
my love, my bride,
smelling the blossoms
and mandrakes.

Where you shall give me your love
and whisper:"

"I am my beloved's
and his desire is toward me."