I Don't Know - Part 1

A friend asked me a few days ago, why I never had more children. There was really no short answer. Especially since my friend has only known me for a couple of years. Had he known me longer, perhaps the question would never had been asked.

I remember the day, like most others, I went to get out of bed.

Everything on fire, and the pain so intense tears ripped down my cheeks.

"Oh no." I thought, "not again! I HAVE to work, I HAVE TOO!"
"I can't, I just can't, the pain, it's too much,"

I worked myself into a sitting position, breathing deeply to focus on anything but the throbbing. Now having psyched myself up, I think,

"It's been worse, pull it together and just get over it."

Propelling my body off the bed, I try and keep my equilibrium until I straighten up. It would have worked too, had my right leg not been numb from the knee down.

My prayers were at that time, pretty basic. No very conversational, because it seemed to be of no use. So I prayed for at least one of the many medicines I took to work. I didn't beg for a cure, I had given up on that. What was left of my faith was in a pill. I just wanted the pain to be tolerable. The swelling to go away. The tears to end. I wanted what they would call a 'normal' life. Please God, just let me feel like living.

It was kind of a pattern of thinking for me since I was a small child.

You know, the prayer starts with a desperate sob, urgent and begging "Please, Please, Make it stop. HELP ME!"

But when it doesn't stop, the next prayer is just a little different isn't it? My faith... altered, more unsure.

"please, please, let me not feel it, let it not hurt."

It did.

The next prayer even more negotiating.

"Let it be short.".

It turns it to a bargaining doesn't it?

So this altered faith, goes on and on, patterned over and over into new circumstances, but the same questions. Is he listening? Does he love me? Why doesn't he answer!? What is real faith? If I had more, would he give me the answer? And there it goes again. Trying to bargain with God. At least it felt like something I could do. Otherwise the feeling of helplessness from lack of answers was too overwhelming.

I had someone tell me one time, after I had been trying to almost three years to have a baby, "As soon as you give up, really give up, it will happen." I can't tell you how stupid those words sounded. Funny how now they makes sense, and not just because I gave up, and had a daughter.

It is amazing how much I think I know. The wealth of acquired knowledge swimming around in my head that I think that if other people could possess it would change their lives. What if they could see what I see, just understand! When those words are written down is sounds so very pathetic, and laughable, doesn't it? All the real answers I still am trying to grasp.

It is embarrassing to say, "I don't know."

"I don't know"

I find myself saying this more and more every day. I truly feel I have had more questions answered by my Father in the last three years then the previous 35 and yet I know even less then I began. Maybe because his answers have been so simple, and I wanted them to be complex. Maybe because he is still waiting for me to really give up, so that I can hear him, instead of my own answers, and then the answer will feel complete. Or maybe I will spend my life asking him more questions, as he patiently waits for me to accept the first one. I don't know.

Simple Answers.

Is he listening?

"Yes"

This of course leads to another!

Do you love me?

"Yes, I loved you first."

Oh how this opens to all the other questions, and especially the next one which feels the most desperate:

Why!!???

His answer to that one, I guess that leads to "I don't know" part 2.

Love in Slumber

Let love not cool
and slumber make
with ease of familiarity

for love that sleeps
when called to rise
makes embers vanish from the eyes

Undeclared love is death
in unspoken words
a parched flower that can thirst no more

for when the well is capped
and the fountain dry
it weeps a barren Love's cry

like a mourning dove
bidding her mate
that receives no reply

Let love not cool
and slumber make
breathing a contented sigh

At Night

At night
When the darkness comes
The shadows that run
Don't leave my side

At night
When the darkness reigns
When the candles wane
lay me safely down

In the night
Where dreams rule
with the voice of fools
I grab your sword

I speak your name
oil the flame
and break the chain

I take my stand

Light the fire
speak the truth
burn the lies
clean the floor

The dark king
has no crown.

Let Me

Let me hear your voice
Let me understand
all the words you speak
to this little lamb

Take away my wounds
for I tripped and fell
I can't walk alone
in this darkened land

Let me feel your touch
and I'll grasp your hand
Let me hold your arm
For by you I stand

Oh Lord of Light
To you I give my life
Make me into you
Let me hear your voice

Oh lord of Love
To you I give my heart
Make me into you
Lead me to your land

Oh lord of Life
To you I give my love
Make me into you
Let me understand

To Shine Forth

"Who being the shining splendor of His glory, and the express image of His essence, and upholding all things by the word of His power, through Himself cleansing of our sins, He sat down on the right of the Majesty on high." Heb 1:3

I have been thinking on this scripture as of late. It says so much in just a few sentences. For example:

"Who being the shining splendor of His glory". The words here 'shining splendor' mean to shine forth from, or to shine out of. So in our mind we can picture Jesus shining forth from God's glory, being taken out of it and sent forth just as light shines out of the creation of the light, and goes forth into the darkness. This is stated in John:

Joh 1:2 He was in the beginning with God. :3 All things came into being through Him, and without Him not even one thing came into being that has come into being. :4 In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. :5 And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overtake it.

This helps us understand the next statement:

"and the express image of His essence". He is taken out of his glory and his essence, and so he is the exact copy or in this illustration, image or representation. Another reference called express image, the figure stamped. So we see God's Glory through a 'sample' of that glory or image of him, Jesus. Jesus explains this to Phillip when he says:

"Jesus said to him, Have I been with you such a long time and yet you have not known Me, Philip? He who has seen Me has seen the Father. And how do you say, Show us the Father? Joh 14:9

The next statement reveals to us even more the substance of Jesus.

"and upholding all things by the word of His power". Jesus is the image of God, and he is the word of God. These two things are synonymous, for both are a reflection of the source, provisions that helps us understand the creator of the image and source of the words. This is further explained in Hebrews:

"By faith we understand that the ages were framed by a word of God, so that the things being seen not to have come into being out of the things that appear." Heb 11:3

Jesus is our frame of reference, or word by which to understand and see our God. We are able to view Jesus by belief and faith in him. To those who believe he is a source of power and gives life, just as light is a source of power and life.

"In Him was life, and the life was the light of men." Joh 1:4

"He who believes on the Son has everlasting life, and he who does not believe the Son shall not see life, but the wrath of God abides upon him." Joh 3:36

And how does this light shine on us?

through Himself cleansing of our sins, He sat down on the right of the Majesty on high." He came and took away our darkness, our sin, leaving with us the word, and returned to the Father's right hand, having accomplished what he was sent to do. He was sent, to bring light into the world, our world. And not only bring light, but to make us a light.

"and persuading yourselves to be a guide of the blind, a light to those in darkness;" Rom 2:19

"For we do not preach ourselves, but Christ Jesus as Lord, and ourselves your servants for Jesus' sake. :6 For it is God who said, "Out of darkness Light shall shine;" who shone in our hearts to give the brightness of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. :7 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us;" 2Co 4:5

May we shine forth, and be his glory.

Fearful and Faithless

I shall not live as a coward
That spirit cannot reside with me

For with his sword, I faced down darkness
I have looked at demons in the eye
I declared them liars

By his arm, I withstood men of rage
exposed their deceit
and have not denied my God

With his strength, I have forgiven the unforgivable
loved the unlovable
and feel the unfelt
cried out tears of sorrow for righteousness

With his light he made me shine
created his child
that is who I am
May no man call me faithless

Because my Lord is in me
I can face the pain
I will do his will
and fear will not dwell with me

My beloved is brave
he fears not anything
not even sorrow or pain

He is light
and exposes evil
he gave everything and was glorified
he trusted his God.

he is me, and so can I

who am I?
I am the daughter of God
May no man call me coward.

Window Christians

Yesterday I visited my first Christian Bookstore. Seems kinda amazing for someone who has been a christian their entire life. The reason I have never shopped at such a store, and my impression of the store itself, will have to wait for another time. Because I would like to share with you a little incident that I witnessed and see if perhaps you are as affected as I have been.

I ran into the store to look for a book I have been wanting. Within the first few minutes I found out that the book was out of stock. So I wandered around the store a bit and picked up a few trinkets.(Okay, okay, I have a weakness for hippie jewelry, this one said "live love"). There was only one register open, and a woman was very involved in a discussion with the young man who was working the counter.

The longer I waited in line, the more irritated the woman became with the clerk. She began to berate the mild man. Complaining and yelling about everything that came to mind that she was unhappy about. The kinder the man treated her, the ruder her behavior became. I have always felt for people who work retail, because I too had worked it for four years, and understand how hard it is to have someone treat you so badly. Of course, I had people yelling at me about shoes. This was a christian, in a christian bookstore, buying a Jesus statue, out doing herself in arrogant rudeness. Acting completely in opposition to how Jesus would. The irony of the situation was astounding. But it was about to get worse.

After the spectacle was over, in what was a previously very quiet store, it was my turn to checkout. I tried to lighten the mood a bit, and said to the young man, "Do a lot of grumpy Christians shop here?" He had to laugh and replied, "I would say that would be about 90 percent of our customers." I was amazed! "How terrible!" I said. "Yes, and most of those are Pastors like her." he said very matter of fact. I was stunned! I was already concerned with how this professed Christian woman treated the clerk, who may or may not be a christian, but to find out that she was the Pastor of a congregation took my breath away. I felt the need to apologise for his treatment. "I am sorry you were treated that way." "It's ok" he said, The other 10 percent of the customers make up for the 90.". At that point I was really hoping I fell in with the 10 percent.

This very small event really opened my eyes. While many profess to be Christians, how do they act when not on display as one? When no one is watching do the values disappear into selfish actions? Do we say we follow Jesus, but ignore his commandment?

I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. As I have loved you, you should also love one another. Joh 13:34

I couldn't help but wonder what one of this woman's congregation would have thought of her actions, and if she would have acted differently in front of someone she was accountable too.

How sad that many professing christians forget that all our actions are on display to our Father. "Neither is there any creature that is not manifest in His sight, but all things are naked and opened to the eyes of Him with whom we have to do." Heb 4:13

Lip service is of little value without love. Faith and love that changes us from the inside, affecting our thoughts and actions to the core, our heart. Without allowing Jesus to change our hearts, we become like what Jesus called the Pharisees.

"And the Lord said to him, Now you Pharisees make the outside of the cup and the platter clean, but your inward part is full of plunder and wickedness." Luk 11:39


This event made me even more aware of how I treat others. Self examination reminded me of times that I had gotten irritated, some for good reasons, others for none, and it has made me even more determined to live up to the name of whom I profess to follow.

Accordingly, as God's chosen ones, holy and loved, clothe yourselves with the tender affections of compassion, kindness, lowliness of mind, mildness, and long-suffering. Col 3:12